slifada

NOAH’S ARK – 2017

(I came across this piece a number of years ago and have made some modifications to the text. If any one knows the original author could they please let me know. I published it once in The Irish catholic and it got some very interesting reactions. )

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for the Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to set to work. “Remember” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything  on board within one calendar year.”
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard. He was weeping. “Noah,” He shouted. “Where is the Ark?” “Lord, please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with building regulations. Consequently I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Health and Safety over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.  Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating planning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application for a transfer of my property from ‘residential use’ to ‘industrial use’ with the Council. This has been referred onto An Bord Pleanála. I await an outcome of their decision’’.

”As if that was not enough I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark. You won’t believe it but there was a ban on cutting trees to protect a rare beetle that lived beneath its bark. I tried to convince the Department of Environment that I needed the wood to save the beetles in the face of the impending flood. I can tell you that I was not amused that all the office staff was trying tried to hold back their sniggers while trying to pretend that they were treating me seriously. Eventually they informed me that the beetle cannot be removed from its local habitat’’.

”While I was dealing with all that, the carpenters on the Ark formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with them before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no beetles let alone any of the creatures on your list.  When I started rounding up the other animals, I got served a summons by the ISPCA. They claimed that the Ark was unfit for habitation by animals.   Just when I got the summons overturned, the Environmental Protection Agency notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on the ‘proposed flood.’  They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Department of the Marine demanded that I provide a map of the proposed new flood plain before I could launch the Ark. I did the best I could saying that I hadn’t that level of insight into the mind of the Almighty.  Right now I ‘m trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission alleging that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!’’

”Only last week I received notification that Revenue were about to seize my assets. They claimed that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country in order to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my company for VAT.  Furthermore, I just got a notice from the Inland Waterways that I owe them some kind of user tax and I’m in arrears because I failed to register the Ark as a “recreational water craft.”
”I’ve also need a Boat Drivers Licence but they are debating about how to classify my licence as they have no ‘template’ for the Ark. I am getting continual visits from Green Peace, RSPCA, Archaeological Action Groups, An Gardaí and numerous other officials from various government departments. Finally, the Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and is therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!” Noah wailed. ‘’To be honest I was going to let the whole project go as a going concern but my bank informed me that the Ark is only worth fifty percent of its original value so I’m stuck in negative equity. The wife is giving me a hard time because there are no more ‘three- holidays abroad’ and she is parking her BMW two streets away from the house as she fears it is going to be repossessed’’.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?”  “No,” said the Lord sadly. “I don’t have to; you people seem to be doing a good job of it without my help.”

Source unknown.